


We all fall down

by insomnikat



Series: The roles we play, the Kakashi and Sakura love we deserve [3]
Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Community: kakasaku, Did he or didn't he, Doctor Haruno Sakura, Established Relationship, F/M, Friendship/Love, Hatake Kakashi Has PTSD, Healing, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime Hatake Kakashi, Romantic Friendship, you tell me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23173561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomnikat/pseuds/insomnikat
Summary: Brave and strong and broken all at once... it’s a fine line being Hatake Kakashi’s lover and his medic. KakaSaku COMPLETE.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura/Hatake Kakashi
Series: The roles we play, the Kakashi and Sakura love we deserve [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588960
Comments: 36
Kudos: 201





	1. Chapter 1

She doesn’t think about it when he doesn’t come on some nights. He’s the Hokage, after all, and there will always be responsibilities that keep him away.

When Kakashi IS with her, he is 100% with her (and Sarada) and that’s what counts. He is attentive and sweet and everything Sakura ever imagined domestic bliss could be in their line of work.

He is perfect, he is Hatake Kakashi, and Sarada adores him.

On most days, he takes on the regal air and charm of a natural-born leader. Even with his face masked, a smile from Kakashi and a clever remark can instantly brighten a room of hardened shinobis. His words, though few, inspire hope when needed and finalize decisions without room for doubt-- all the traits people have come to expect and depend on from the highest-ranking ninja in the country.

But there are nights where, after he's shed the persona and the mask, Kakashi can barely make it through the bedroom door before collapsing into her lap. No one else knows just how much of himself he gives in service of the greater good; how much it strains and wears him down.

The periods when he’s away are irregular and often spontaneous in their occurrence. What concerns Sakura are the ones from which Kakashi returns with a look of secrecy and guilt. She notices it first in the bags under his eyes and the tiredness in his smile. First _feels_ it in the way he hugs her, just a little longer and a little tighter, that something might not be well.

"Where do you go," she starts casually as he settles his head into her lap and sighs. "When you're not here?"

Tired eyes look up and consider her, the question, and the answer to give. Sakura massages his temples like she usually does and a deep, satisfied hum rumbles from his chest. "Nowhere I want to be."

"Can you tell me about it?" She doesn't want to press if it's something confidential.

Kakashi's eyes close and he doesn't answer for a long moment. She begins to think he'd fallen asleep when his brow furrows and he breathes out, simply, "No."

Her heart sinks but she nods to hide her disappointment. "Okay." Sakura kisses his brow. "Okay," she says again.

**———**

It’s a fine line being Hatake Kakashi’s lover and his medic.

When he fails to come for dinner even though she'd secured a promise from him earlier that day, Sakura decides to take action. She tucks Sarada in for the night and steps out onto her balcony to scan the rooftops on her street. She doesn't see the ANBU, but she knows one is out there. Relations are still tense with the Land of Iron and Kakashi wouldn't have left her unguarded. Sakura sighs and waves blindly into the night, hoping her invisible bodyguard would get the hint. Barely a full second passes before the masked guard appears beside her and gives a curt bow.

"Where do I find him?"

The masked head tilts thoughtfully. "His lodgings."

The matter-of-factness of the tone irks her. She looks away to hide the redness of her cheeks as she’s forced to ask for clarification. "In the garden?"

The guard nods and Sakura sighs. She had suspected Kakashi was using the guest house as living quarters but had been too embarrassed to ask plainly. The hidden location made sense. So did the complete lack of any visible personal items when she's been there.

The screen door is open when Sakura reaches the guest house and her whole body tenses with fear. It’s not the potential danger that makes the hair on the back of her neck stand on end and give her goosebumps, but the unease of what she’ll find.

Of what it is that he won't— _can't_ bring himself to share with her.

"Kakashi?"

The room is dark and cold in its silence. Sakura enters slowly, cautiously, and makes her way to the fireplace. Embers crackle and glow with stored heat but the flames have gone out from being unattended. She spots a poker and extra wood beside the fireplace, and in a few seconds she gets a warm fire blazing once more.

Sakura takes a deep breath, steals her nerves, and turns back to the now-illuminated room.

Kakashi is folded tightly into himself in the shadowed corner beside the bed. His face is buried in his limbs and he's rocking lightly on his heels. There is something terribly wrong with the way his back curls and it immediately triggers the medic in her.

"Kakashi!" Sakura slides to her knees beside him and presses her hands instinctively to hold his neck and cup his face. He's cold and clammy as he flinches and jerks away from her. Dark eyes shoot up at her, wild and disoriented, and the complete lack of recognition hurts Sakura more in that instant than the way he shoves her forcefully away from him.

In the next breath, he's on his feet, defensive and fists clenched. His eyes dart around at phantom threats before resting on her frightened expression. He bites down on his tongue and tastes the bitter ash and blood of battles fought and lost.

Kakashi blinks.

Grey eyes focus gradually and shoulders relax a little in acknowledgement.

"Kakashi..." Fear and nervousness soften Sakura's tone as she pulls herself up to a sitting position on the floor.

He looks at her and tears sting his eyes. He wants to help her up and apologize but there's still blood on his hands and the sinking, certain feeling that she'll die some day because of him.

Kakashi blinks again, slowly, and behind closed eyelids he can see her bleeding out from a hollowed-out chest and her still-beating heart pulsing in his clenched fist. He can see her body collapse at his feet, her face frozen with a look of betrayal and shock. He wants to scream but his throat is clenched shut.

He gasps for air and shivers as the violent vision passes over and through him.

Sakura picks herself up cautiously and never takes her eyes off him. Her heart aches with the knowledge of what's happening to him and the realization that the only thing she can do is watch as he struggles to slowly regain himself. "It's okay," she whispers soothingly. "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."

Kakashi drags both hands over his face, embarrassed and mortified. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that Sakura can probably help him, may even be the most medically qualified person to do so, but he rejects the slightest consideration of it. Weeks of intimacy can't override _decades_ of self-dependency and the deeply-ingrained reflex to keep loved ones at a safe distance.

The absolute last thing he wants to be is yet another burden for Sakura to bear. He's managed this alone for as long as Sakura's been alive and he's been doing it without the need for intervention.

Instead of her waiting arms, he falls backwards to lean against the wall. Kakashi closes his eyes and when he is finally sure enough of himself, he raises an arm in her direction.

"Sakura," he rasps, his tone deep with guilt. "I'm—"

She pulls him into a fierce hug before he can finish. She doesn't want to hear his apology or look at his remorseful face.

He stiffens and quivers a little, not expecting such a physical reaction from her, and only surrenders into her embrace with some effort. Kakashi feebly pats her shoulder in reassurance before pushing her back at arm's length. Only then can he feel himself truly able to breathe.

He is tired. So very, very tired.

When Sakura feels confident enough to look up at him, his smile is brittle, his look bleak and filled with intense shame. She reads the thoughts of unworthiness on his face and she can't stop the tears that flow down her cheek.

"I'm sorry." He never wanted her to see him like this.

"Kakashi." Her voice cracks a little. She cups his face and makes him look at her. "Tell me. Let me help you."

His shoulders sag a little and his expression softens. "It's nothing." He turns his head away but she pulls it sternly back to her.

"Tell me." This time, it's a command. Sakura is determined to help him but she needs to know how.

Something old and angry flashes behind his eyes before flickering away. Kakashi lowers his gaze as he musters the courage to voice what he's never spoken to another soul before. "I'm not always the man everyone sees me to be."

Sakura chuckles softly. "I know. I love you more for that. And whatever you need, I'm sure we can—"

"Not everything broken needs to be fixed," he interjects, and the warning edge in his tone is unmistakable.

She withdraws her hand from his face and takes an uncertain step back. "But I can. You know I can."

Kakashi is disappointed with her response but he strains for patience. He wants to believe she can understand. "There's nothing to fix."

"Let me _try_."

He runs both hands roughly through his hair and staggers away several paces before turning back. His face is a mixture of frustration and growing despair. "It's not a matter of trying, Sakura. _I don't want you to_."

She frowns, unsure why a sharp and thick tension has suddenly materialized between them. "I don't understand," Sakura confesses and fidgets with her hands. "It's clearly troubling you."

"No," Kakashi pinches his brow and lets out a long, defeated sigh. "It's troubling _you_." He looks up at her then and the heaviness of his gaze makes her gut wrench uneasily.

Something is awfully wrong.

"I just want to help," she squeaks just barely over a whisper. "Please. _Please_ , let me."

Kakashi's fists clench white at his sides. "I'm sorry. If you can't..." his voice cracks. "If this doesn't suit you... then maybe we should stop."

Horror slaps Sakura in the face. She can't believe her ears. "What?"

He looks at her and his jaw clenches. His resolve locks into place.

_This can't be happening. It can't!_ "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Kakashi, I—"

"I know," he murmurs as he turns away. "It's best we not burden each other anymore."

A veil of fresh tears blur him in her view. She reaches blindly to him and screams. "KAKASHI!"

"Take care of yourself, Sakura."

And in a burst of air, he's gone.


	2. Chapter 2

When the flu hits pandemic levels, Sakura is secretly relieved. It means she can bury herself in her work without anyone questioning the redness of her eyes and the pallor of her skin. It means she can look horrible and feel miserable and go about her business without anyone feeling compelled to ask her why.

The seemingly endless influx of patients keeps her so busy she misses a few meals over the next few days. Which is fine. She lost most of her appetite for home cooking anyway.

When she finally breaks down in the halls a week later, seemingly over nothing, the staff thinks the stress and the exhaustion has finally gotten to her. They tell her she's gone above and beyond the call of duty and that the only thing left for her to do is take care of herself.

The words just make her bawl even more.

Without the specially-designed soldier pills given at the hospital to protect staff from the worst symptoms, there's nothing preventing her from her downward spiral.

It only takes a day for Sakura to fall horribly and miserably sick.

**———**

_This was a mistake._

Kakashi's brows rise in surprise. He'd been expecting Ino, not Sakura's mother, to answer the door. Guilt threatened to overwhelm him as he bowed low— lower than customarily needed in greeting —to hide his surprise.

The older woman looked just as shocked when she returned the bow. "Hokage-sama." She stepped back to let him into the apartment and nervously straightened the apron she had on.

Kakashi removed his Hokage hat and robe. "I..." His eyes darted to the open bedroom door. "I heard Sakura is ill."

The older woman nodded solemnly. "Caught it from the clinic," she recited, verbatim, her daughter's words before sulking away to the bed.

She eyed the Rokudaime with a mixture of curiosity and awe. Having a kunoichi for a daughter meant she moved in sometimes prolific circles. It was mostly due to her association with the Uzumaki and Uchiha, of course, but Sakura's mother believed that she only still had a daughter (and granddaughter, for that matter) because of the man now standing awkwardly in the hallway. She clasped her hands in front of her and nodded towards the bedroom. "She's resting. Would you like some tea?"

"No," he replied, frowning down at his feet and suddenly doubting his reasons for coming. "Thank you," he added belatedly.

Unsure of appropriate decorum but deciding he needed to at least see her, Kakashi placed the discarded clothing on the hallway floor, bowed curtly, and proceeded towards the bedroom.

Something stirs and moans softly from a tightly wrapped ball of pillows and covers on the bed. A small, muffled croak comes from it. "Mom?"

Kakashi closes the door softly and makes his way around the bed. He sweeps a scattered pile of used and crumpled tissue from the bedside with a quick swipe of his arm and kneels on the floor for a closer inspection. Only part of Sakura's face and a hand isn't hidden under the covers, but it's enough to see she hasn't left the room in some time. The air is stuffy and stale. What's visible of her hair is matted and knotted. Tissue in various levels of use surround her hand along with a half-eaten breakfast and two different mugs of liquid, long since cooled. Her exposed forehead shines in the filtered sunlight with a thin layer of sweat and when one bleary eye blinks open slowly, there's more red than green that meet his gaze.

Recognition dawns on her and she raises her hand over her face to conceal the sad wreck she's become. "I'm sorry."

Kakashi's heart aches. He reaches out instinctively but stops just short of touching her. "What for?" he asks gently.

Sakura groans and curls into a tighter ball under the covers. Something catches in her throat and the resulting cough racks her whole body; leaves her trembling. The aches in her muscles make her already red-rimmed eyes glaze. "Everything," she gasps.

This time, Kakashi does take her hand and clasps it tightly. "You've done nothing wrong," he whispers, stroking the tangle of hair from her face and tracing the curve of her jaw lightly. Her skin is hot and clammy to the touch.

Sakura tries to retreat under the covers but his hold is firm and she is so, pitifully, weak. "Don't…" she coughs again and whimpers a little. "You'll get sick."

Boldly, recklessly, he leans over and presses a masked kiss over one closed eye. "I'm the one that needs to apologize."

Here she was suffering _, again_ , because of him. He'd promised to never deny her anything and then he'd left her, cold, when all she'd wanted to do was help. He brought her clammy hand to his masked lips and closed his eyes. "Forgive me, Sakura," he whispered. "I let you down."

It still haunts him, of course-- the thoughts, the feelings, the smell of blood and dust and death.

Some scars run too deep and too long to not have ingrained themselves into his being. He'd reacted to her offer to heal like an attack on the very essence of his soul. And even now, as he was realizing just how much he missed her, Kakashi still felt it was neither her fault nor her responsibility to 'fix' him.

But it didn't justify him pushing her away. It didn't justify the tears she's spilt since that night.

Sakura struggles out of her cocoon and he moves to help her into a sitting position. He takes a seat beside her, squeezes her hand in his, and catches her nervous gaze.

Even sick and a mess, she is beautiful.

"I love you."

He can't stress enough how much she means to him and how important it is that she never question or doubt it again.

"Let me…" he lowers his gaze, licks his lips, and is astonished by the ramming of his heart against his chest. "From now on, let me take care of you."

Kakashi feels a single tear fall onto the back of his hand. He follows the tear's trail up to gleaming green eyes and a shaky smile and holds his breath.

"Only if you let me do the same," she half-cries, half-chuckles.

His eyes narrow for only a fraction of a second. Kakashi nods, coaxes her into his arms, and kisses her temple. The finer details can always be discussed later. 

It is bliss just to be holding her once more.

Sakura hums in unspoken agreement and wraps her arm loosely around his waist. "Can you stay?"

"As long as your mother allows," Kakashi teases gently.


	3. Chapter 3

Sakura's mother had heard the rumors. How could she not with the Yamanakas still living across the street? And until she'd eavesdropped on her daughter's private conversation with the Hokage from the hallway, her feelings had been mixed on the possibility that the gossip was true.

On the one hand, Hatake Kakashi was closer to her in age than to her daughter. On the other hand, he was here and that AWOL husband of hers was not. She couldn't be sure about the exact state of their relationship at the moment, but she'd overheard enough to determine it was of an intimate enough nature to warrant blushing and a quiet retreat from the door.

_I love you._

She'd heard Hatake Kakashi's words loud and clear.

A smile crept slowly across her face as Sakura's mother busied herself in the kitchen. She'd always believed there was a reason Sakura had been gifted with such skills and such an unforgettable look. The only flaw in her daughter's character, she admitted with much chagrin, was a weakness for handsome, brilliant, and tragically baggaged shinobi. Though compared to the Uchiha, the Rokudaime was certainly an improvement; at least he could be courteous around company and was loved rather than feared by most of the village.

The fact that he was still in the bedroom with her meant Sakura probably no longer needed her assistance. Sakura's mother filled and stacked two bentos neatly on the kitchen counter and propped a small note beside them before quietly taking her leave.

_Taking Sarada for the night. Call if you need me. --Mom_

She was slipping on her sandals when the soft click of the bedroom door opening caught her ear. Sakura's mother looked up at Hatake Kakashi standing in the hallway. He bowed politely towards her and she did the same.

"Please be good to her," she said to the unspoken question in his eyes and smiled kindly. "Be good to each other."

His expression softened with understanding as he nodded and came over to see her out.

"Thank you," he replied simply.

**———**

Fresh from a much-needed shower, Sakura leaned against the door frame and let amusement draw a crooked grin on her face. She rested her head against the wood and watched as Kakashi cleared the room of all signs of sickness, opened the windows, and changed the sheets; all the while wearing the same apron her mother had been using just a few moments earlier.

Sakura rubbed at her wet hair with a towel and laughed. "Is there anything you can't do?" she teased and stepped into the room to plant a chaste kiss to his masked cheek.

"Hmn." He turned, swept her into his arms, and lay her down gently into the clean bed. Her bathrobe loosened with the gesture and he curbed the impulse to lick the droplets of water gathering in the sensitive curve of her collarbone as he pulled away. "Take better care of you."

Her smile falters for a moment. She raises an arm up to him and he catches it, turns her hand palm-side up, and presses his lips to it, making her blush. His gaze catches hers and the intense resolve and affection in his eyes takes Sakura's breath away.

"You mean it, don't you?" She whispers in astonishment. "From now on..."

He presses another promise to her palm and takes a seat at her bedside. His hands move up to her wrist and fold over the silver-white band there, the contact making it prickle and glow faintly in chakra-burnt purple hues. "Yes."

Sakura bolts up to a sitting position and throws herself into his arms, burying her face into his neck. Her nose leaks as much as her eyes but she doesn't care anymore.

Kakashi rubs her back reassuringly and chuckles at the wetness soaking into his shirt. It's terribly unhygienic but, given the circumstances, oddly comforting. He pulls the ruined and now-useless mask down and grins. "I guess we're both doomed now."

**———**

The next time Kakashi doesn't come for dinner, Sakura packs food and drinks into several thermal containers, fills an overnight bag for herself and Sarada, and makes her way to the Hatake garden.

It takes a minute for Kakashi to open the screen doors for her. A mixture of disapproval and relief crosses his face when he sees her holding a sleeping toddler and two bulky bags under each arm.

Sakura purses her lip. Despite the warm lighting of the fireplace, he looks drawn and too pale. Like he'd just had another episode. "I brought dinner."

He nods, unable to speak, and steps back to let her in. He takes the food and the overnight bag as she tucks the toddler into the single cot at the edge of the room. She feels his eyes on her as she stands.

"She's been missing you." _I don't want you to be alone._ "Is this okay?" Unconsciously, she holds her breath for his answer.

His feet shuffle briefly. "Ah," he manages, his voice hoarse and gravelly.

Sakura holds her hands together nervously when she turns to face him. She desperately wants to leap into his arms but doubts it's appropriate. Addressing the wounds of a child of war, especially ones as old and deep and painstakingly hidden as Kakashi's, is different on the other side of the professional table. It would take time and a lot of patience for him to let go of the compulsion to suffer alone.

Together they unpack the food and eat in companionable silence by the fireplace. Encouraged by the way he refills her glass without her asking, Sakura scoots closer to him after she's done eating and rests her head lightly on his shoulder. She feels his arm wrap casually around her and pull her more snug against his body.

"Thank you," he breathes into her hair.

"I'm here for you," she promised quietly. "As much or as little as you need."

"Okay."

**———**

Sakura starts moving things from her apartment into the Hatake complex soon after that. Kakashi walked in one evening to find her boxing clothes in the bedroom. His brows rose in question, hers in a dare. And after a long moment he shrugged, plucked a closed box from the doorway and carried it into the living room to stack with several others. That had been the extent of their discussion on the topic.

Moving into the Hatake complex made sense. The grounds were specifically designed to best protect high-ranking officials with considerable attention to optimal sight-lines and security measures both within and along the perimeters.

As much as he was reluctant to admit it, Kakashi also really needed her, and it was illogical to ask her to divide her personal time between himself and Sarada. Besides, there was not enough privacy on her street to keep neighbours from noticing the regular comings and goings of the Hokage. Security at the apartment had only ever been patchwork at best. After all, no one foresaw this arrangement to last.

One night, after they'd all comfortably settled into the main house, Sakura awakes to Kakashi having a nightmare. He's too exhausted to pull himself out of it and his laboured breathing and panicked stirs tangle him in the sheets.

Sakura reaches out in the darkness and grabs firmly onto his hand.

He thrashes immediately, jerks, nearly topples out of the bed to get away from her but her hold is strong. "I've got you," she hisses in the darkness. "I've got you," she repeats, again and again and again.

She strokes him quietly, soothingly, repeatedly, even long after his breathing calms, the tears dry, and the sweat cools on his brow. She is exactly where she needs to be.

In the morning, Kakashi presses his lips to her temple and breathes her in. He grabs her by the hips and pulls her flush against him, but for some reason it doesn't feel close enough.

She stirs slowly, drowsily and buries her face into his chest. He feels her hands curl loosely over his chest and it occurs to him why.

His breath is warm against her ear as he whispers his confession. "Everyone I've ever loved has died."

Sakura stills. She's wide awake again. She bites back the reflex to tell him he doesn't have to worry, to tell him he'd never lose her. She has to swallow the desire to say everything will be okay. She looks up at him and her heart breaks a little at how hopeful and desperate he looks for her to understand.

It feels like an eternity before she feels confident enough in her words to speak. "I'm _alive_ because of you." 

Death was inevitable, but it was only a regret if one hadn't truly lived. He'd helped her rediscover herself and everything that made it worth living.

And it's the right response.

Kakashi bows his head to meet hers and to kiss her tenderly. Gratitude mixed with deep affection sweeten the taste of her lips.

And in these early morning hours, with her in his arms, he finds solace.

**———**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look out for a new KakaSaku AU over the next few days! Its been brewing since the year began and now with the extra time I suddenly find myself with at home, I may actually get it rolling sooner than later.
> 
> Requests and prompts are still open, so please leave me a comment if you have any.
> 
> Hope you're all staying healthy out there and, if not, at least taking care of each other! ♥


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